Autobiography – Chapter 8 – 1968 (Part 1) – My first confession: I was climbing the walls!

Before becoming a hermit, I think that the Lord wanted to show me a few things around this world of His. He prepared me for moving around later in life at breakneck speed by having me thrown around various schools both public ☆ and parochial ✟ in my childhood. Let’s see:

Year	Age	Grade	School
1965-1966	5-6	K	Wilson ☆
1966-1967	6-7	1	Wilson ☆
1967-1968	7-8	2	Saint Paul ✟
1968-1969	8-9	3	Wilson ☆
1969-1970	9-10	4	Saint Paul ✟
1970-1971	10-11	5	Madison ☆
1971-1972	11-12	6	Wilson ☆
1972-1973	12-13	7	North Junior High ☆
1973-1974	13-14	8	North Junior High ☆
1974-1975	14-15	9	Apollo High School ☆
1975-1976	15-16	10	Saint John’s Prep ✟
1976-1977	16-17	11	Saint John’s Prep ✟
1977-1978	17-18	12	Saint John’s Prep ✟

I only mention all that since it was precisely for this number of schools early on in life that I was later labeled a troublemaker by the rector of a certain seminary over in Rome. He said that it is not possible to go to so many different schools in childhood without it being my fault, and that this looks very bad on my record. I love that. I’m a troublemaker and I don’t even have to try!

I can’t brag about trouble making in this case, however, since it was all beyond my control. Besides local politics, what with my father being a public figure, church politics, what with our being members of a parish with a school, the new bussing politics, which needed some support for a snazzy new school, changing residency locations some twenty two miles away, and just plain changing schools for the reason that grade schools are not junior high schools, which, in turn, are not high schools, which, of themselves, are not prep schools. Mind you, I don’t think I would have gone to any prep school if it had not also ended up being my local parish high school after relocating to the forests of North central Minnesota.

This was not the last time I was to have the moniker of troublemaker thrown at me by various ecclesiastics right through the decades of my priesthood, and for the same reason: frequent change of assignments, they said, meant that it was necessarily my fault that there was a move, which necessarily had to be for negative reasons. This judgment prescinded explicitly from actual circumstances. That I was not infrequently moved about as a troubleshooter made no difference. Perhaps troubleshooting is understood as troublemaking for those who are politically correct unto the lowest common denominator of horror. That’s not to say, of course, that I didn’t actually make trouble by simply staying the course when certain others wished me to reject the doctrine and morality, the law and liturgy of Holy Mother Church.

Such accusations of troublemaking make me want to scream out that I am guilty of so very much more, for – don’t you know? – I have crucified the Son of the Living God because of my many sins. Accuse me of that!

* * *

Back to our story: I had now just turned eight years old, and was finishing out second grade. It was the Spring of 1968, meaning that it was before the publication of Humanae vitae, the Encyclical Letter of Pope Paul VI on morality, human life, marriage, pro-creation, and the evils of contraception and abortion.

We were preparing as best we could for first Confession just before receiving first Holy Communion. For this year I was signed up at our parish’s Catholic grade school named after Saint Paul, just like the parish church. Perhaps our Monsignor had said that it would be easier for me to receive these sacraments if I were to be a regular student at the school.

Being at Saint Paul’s was hardly different from being at Wilson School. Recess on the playground at the Catholic school made for just as much an urban jungle as did the playground of the public school.

The only thing different, surprisingly, was that the religion textbook for the religion course of the Catholic school was not as good as the little catechism I had been using the previous year for the weekly Wednesday evening C.C.D. lessons. In fact, it was so dumbed down that I had to hunt for my sister’s old mid-level Baltimore Catechism, which had all the prayers and explanations of the sacraments of Penance and Holy Communion in the back, not to mention the sections in the text of the catechism, which thoroughly explained those sacraments. I studied these on my own, memorizing, and memorizing still more. I surprised myself that I could be so studious.

Mind you, it wasn’t just memorizing. I remember in particular what I can only call an event. I was unduly upset for a reprimand I had received from my mom downstairs in the laundry room, she having been worried for my safety in that I had built a fort underneath the basement steps with the heavy boxes and trunks of stored items. In those moments of being upset, as I was making my way up the stairs to go outside, it all came to me in a flash. I froze halfway up the steps, like Socrates, but not for the fits of pique he would have for not understanding something, for I was instead immobilized because I felt it to be a great privilege to be before the glory of the truth. I comprehended what I had been studying in a blaze of light, each piece of information in view of all the others. But this wasn’t merely my first experience with what it means to think, to be academic, to study. That, too. But this was especially about standing humbly before Him who is truth. There I stood, half gripping, half draped over the banister of that rickety basement staircase, for minutes on end, in dread awe.

Standing there, I made a review of all that I knew. I could recite all the prayers of the rosary, including the Credo, just in case any of these were to be given as a penance, as well as the act of contrition. I knew just how to go to Confession when it was my turn to kneel down in the Confessional boxes we had at that time: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession. These are my sins…” The priest, I knew, couldn’t ever tell anyone the sins I confessed. The Seal of Confession had to be respected. I was quite proud – silly me – that I could recite the grades of sin and their differences, and the essentials needed for an integral and valid Confession. Best of all, however, was realizing that this was all so very personal, a meeting in friendship with the very Son of God.

In the classroom, on the day itself, we received some last minute encouragement and instructions from the Benedictine nun who was teaching us, and then we walked two by two in long lines over to the church. We had already had a practice session in the church itself the day before, just the basics about where to sit, line up, and how to go back to our pews. We went into church, wet our fingers with some holy water, and made the Sign of the Cross as we genuflected to the Blessed Sacrament in the Sanctuary of the Church, scooting, then, along the length of the pews until we filled them one by one.

I was nervous, going over my confession in my head, trying to remember what I had memorized and practiced so often. I soon let myself be distracted by watching the other kids who were lining up as we waited. Some had poker faces, but most others looked sad, which is a good thing for repentance. In seeing that, I figured I wasn’t very repentant. After all, I was being so very distracted. The class clown, while trying to look cheery, as usual, instead betrayed some real fear. I understood right then just how superficial clowning can be. I felt sorry for him. I wished he could calm down, that he could understand.

I wasn’t paying attention to those who were coming out of the Confessional and going back to their pews, but other kids were saying things like “Oooo, look at him! He’s happy!” “Look at her smile!” “He was afraid before, but look at him now!” I looked, and they were right. All the faces of those leaving the Confessional were radiant, but I wasn’t completely convinced. Could it be that they were just happy it was over? I was immediately determined to turn my first Confession into an experiment. My plan was to note how I myself felt as I was going into the Confessional, and then to note how I felt coming out.

Soon it was the turn for everyone in my pew to line up. We all stood up, some genuflecting in our places, some not. We didn’t know what to do with the Confessional being in back of the Church and the Tabernacle being in front, with us circling round the side of the Church. We hadn’t practiced this part.

So far, my plan was working. I noticed what I felt like before going in. How could I not? I was nervous, going before the Tribunal of God’s mercy, God, who showed me that He loved me some six years previously in that very church just a few pew’s away. Would I get it all wrong? Would I make a fool of myself before the priest? God already knew how needy I was, but loved me anyway. But I wanted Him to be proud of me giving Him my sins, a brilliant Catholic paradox.

It was a miracle in itself that I didn’t trip over myself going into the penitent’s side of the Confessional. A couple of boys did, so nervous were they. I hadn’t been paying attention at all to the logistics of who went in to what side of where the priest was. I didn’t realize that there was a penitent on either side, but that only one would confess at a time. When one was confessing, the priest would slide the little door of the screen open, so that he could hear the confession of sins being made, while the other little sliding door for the screen for the second penitent stayed closed, so that, while this second one was waiting to confess, he couldn’t hear the first person’s confession. I knew none of this.

Pulling the weighted red-velvet curtain aside, I went in. The curtain fell back into place. There was no one there. No priest. And it was dark! I looked around. Nothing. Surely this isn’t where I was supposed to be! My eyes adjusted to the bit of light coming in from under the velvet curtain, and I realized there was a kneeler, and some kind of screen, and a crucifix. Where was the priest? He had to be there somewhere! I then did what I always did when looking for something. I climbed the walls. As soon as I was basically scaling the ceiling of the Confessional, already making my confession – not knowing what else to do – the priest slid the little door open and I realized just how very foolish I can be before the majestic Tribunal of God’s Mercy. I dropped down quickly, scaring the priest, and got right down to business.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession. These are my sins…” When all was said and done and the little door for the screen slid shut, I thought that it wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was all pretty cool. It wasn’t just that I had a sense of accomplishment. I was really taken by the magnificent friendship of God. I went back to my pew, genuflecting before hopping on to the bench and then going down on my knees to pray my penance.

But I couldn’t pray. The other kids in the pew behind me were poking me and saying, “Look at his face! Look at his face!” talking about me. I then remembered my plan to take note of how I felt after confession. Oh my! Only then did I realize that I was absolutely radiating joy. I could not for the life of me not smile. I tried. My smile went from ear to ear. I hadn’t noticed it until then, so intent was I in finishing what I was doing with the Lord. But now I did notice. I was so happy, so very happy. Now I was convinced. Confession was the best thing ever. I planned to go regularly, and did.

I was the happiest little boy on the planet. But that would not last. It would not be long before I would receive my first Holy Communion. This was to be a most catastrophic event. I would be the most unhappy little boy on the face of the earth, truly.

It would be events such as that which would have me thrown back into public schools the very next year. Very dark times were coming upon the Church. No one, whether in previous years or in the years to come, would ever have the experience I was to have, for it was unique to 1968. It was to mark me deeply. I was surely to become a troublemaker for wanting respect for our Lord, and not just because I was being moved from school to school.

Click on the “continue reading” button to glance over the questions and answers for the mid-level Baltimore Catechism of the time… ☞

LESSON SEVENTEENTH ON THE SACRAMENT OF PENANCE

187. Question: What is the Sacrament of Penance?

Answer: Penance is a Sacrament in which the sins committed after Baptism are forgiven.

188. Question: How does the Sacrament of Penance remit sin, and restore to the soul the friendship of God?

Answer: The Sacrament of Penance remits sins and restores the friendship of God to the soul by means of the absolution of the priest.

189. Question: How do you know that the priest has the power of absolving from the sins committed after Baptism?

Answer: I know that the priest has the power of absolving from the sins committed after Baptism, because Jesus Christ granted that power to the priests of His Church when He said: “Receive ye the Holy Ghost. Whose sins you shall forgive, they are forgiven them; whose sins you shall retain, they are retained.”

190. Question: How do the priests of the Church exercise the power of forgiving sins?

Answer: The priests of the Church exercise the power of forgiving sins by hearing the confession of sins, and granting pardon for them as ministers of God and in His name.

191. Question: What must we do to receive the Sacrament of Penance worthily?

Answer: To receive the Sacrament of Penance worthily we must do five things:

1. We must examine our conscience. 2. We must have sorrow for our sins. 3. We must make a firm resolution never more to offend God. 4. We must confess our sins to the priest. 5. We must accept the penance which the priest gives us.

192. Question: What is the examination of conscience?

Answer: The examination of conscience is an earnest effort to recall to mind all the sins we have committed since our last worthy confession.

193. Question: How can we make a good examination of conscience?

Answer: We can make a good examination of conscience by calling to memory the commandments of God, the precepts of the Church, the seven capital sins, and the particular duties of our state in life, to find out the sins we have committed.

194. Question: What should we do before beginning the examination of conscience?

Answer: Before beginning the examination of conscience we should pray to God to give us light to know our sins and grace to detest them.

LESSON EIGHTEENTH ON CONTRITION

195. Question: What is contrition, or sorrow for sin?

Answer: Contrition, or sorrow for sin, is a hatred of sin and a true grief of the soul for having offended God, with a firm purpose of sinning no more.

196. Question: What kind of sorrow should we have for our sins?

Answer: The sorrow we should have for our sins should be interior, supernatural, universal, and sovereign.

197. Question: What do you mean by saying that our sorrow should be interior?

Answer: When I say that our sorrow should be interior, I mean that it should come from the heart, and not merely from the lips.

198. Question: What do you mean by saying that our sorrow should be supernatural?

Answer: When I say that our sorrow should be supernatural, I mean that it should be prompted by the grace of God, and excited by motives which spring from faith, and not by merely natural motives.

199. Question: What do you mean by saying that our sorrow should be universal?

Answer: When I say that our sorrow should be universal, I mean that we should be sorry for all our mortal sins without exception.

200. Question: What do you mean when you say that our sorrow should be sovereign?

Answer: When I say that our sorrow should be sovereign, I mean that we should grieve more for having offended God than for any other evil that can befall us.

201. Question: Why should we be sorry for our sins?

Answer: We should be sorry for our sins, because sin is the greatest of evils and an offense against God our Creator, Preserver, and Redeemer, and because it shuts us out of heaven and condemns us to the eternal pains of hell.

202. Question: How many kinds of contrition are there?

Answer: There are two kinds of contrition: perfect contrition and imperfect contrition.

203. Question: What is perfect contrition?

Answer: Perfect contrition is that which fills us with sorrow and hatred for sin, because it offends God, who is infinitely good in Himself and worthy of all love.

204. Question: What is imperfect contrition?

Answer: Imperfect contrition is that by which we hate what offends God, because by it we lose heaven and deserve hell; or because sin is so hateful in itself.

205. Question: Is imperfect contrition sufficient for a worthy confession?

Answer: Imperfect contrition is sufficient for a worthy confession, but we should endeavor to have perfect contrition.

206. Question: What do you mean by a firm purpose of sinning no more?

Answer: By a firm purpose of sinning no more I mean a fixed resolve not only to avoid all mortal sin, but also its near occasions.

207. Question: What do you mean by the near occasions of sin?

Answer: By the near occasions of sin I mean all the persons, places, and things that may easily lead us into sin.

LESSON NINETEENTH ON CONFESSION

208. Question: What is Confession?

Answer: Confession is the telling of our sins to a duly authorized priest, for the purpose of obtaining forgiveness.

209. Question: What sins are we bound to confess?

Answer: We are bound to confess all our mortal sins, but it is well also to confess our venial sins.

210. Question: Which are the chief qualities of a good Confession?

Answer: The chief qualities of a good Confession are three: it must be humble, sincere, and entire.

211. Question: When is our Confession humble?

Answer: Our Confession is humble, when we accuse our selves of our sins, with a deep sense of shame and sorrow for having offended God.

212. Question: When is our Confession sincere?

Answer: Our Confession is sincere, when we tell our sins honestly and truthfully, neither exaggerating nor excusing them.

213. Question: When is our Confession entire?

Answer: Our Confession is entire, when we tell the number and kinds of our sins and the circumstances which change their nature.

214. Question: What should we do if we cannot remember the number of our sins?

Answer: If we cannot remember the number of our sins, we should tell the number as nearly as possible, and say how often we may have sinned in a day, a week, or a month, and how long the habit or practice has lasted.

215. Question: Is our Confession worthy if, without our fault, we forget to confess a mortal sin?

Answer: If without our fault we forget to confess a mortal sin, our Confession is worthy, and the sin is forgiven; but it must be told in Confession if it again comes to our mind.

216. Question: Is it a grievous offense wilfully to conceal a mortal sin in Confession?

Answer: It is a grievous offense wilfully to conceal a mortal sin in Confession, because we thereby tell a lie to the Holy Ghost, and make our Confession worthless.

217. Question: What must he do who has wilfully concealed a mortal sin in Confession?

Answer: He who has wilfully concealed a mortal sin in Confession must not only confess it, but must also repeat all the sins he has committed since his last worthy Confession.

218. Question: Why does the priest give us a penance after Confession?

Answer: The priest gives us a penance after Confession, that we may satisfy God for the temporal punishment due to our sins.

219. Question: Does not the Sacrament of Penance remit all punishment due to sin?

Answer: The Sacrament of Penance remits the eternal punishment due to sin, but it does not always remit the temporal punishment which God requires as satisfaction for our sins.

220. Question: Why does God require a temporal punishment as a satisfaction for sin?

Answer: God requires a temporal punishment as a satisfaction for sin, to teach us the great evil of sin and to prevent us from falling again.

221. Question: Which are the chief means by which we satisfy God for the temporal punishment due to sin?

Answer: The chief means by which we satisfy God for the temporal punishment due to sin are: Prayer, Fasting, Almsgiving, all spiritual and corporal works of mercy, and the patient suffering of the ills of life.

222. Question: Which are the chief spiritual works of mercy?

Answer: The chief spiritual works of mercy are seven: To admonish the sinner, to instruct the ignorant, to counsel the doubtful, to comfort the sorrowful, to bear wrongs patiently, to forgive all injuries, and to pray for the living and the dead.

223. Question: Which are the chief corporal works of mercy?

Answer: The chief corporal works of mercy are seven: To feed the hungry, to give drink to the thirsty, to clothe the naked, to ransom the captive, to harbor the harborless, to visit the sick, and to bury the dead.

LESSON TWENTIETH ON THE MANNER OF MAKING A GOOD CONFESSION

224. Question: What should we do on entering the confessional?

Answer: On entering the confessional we should kneel, make the sign of the
Cross, and say to the priest, Bless me, Father; then add, I confess to
Almighty God and to you, Father, that I have sinned.

225. Question: Which are the first things we should tell the priest in Confession?

Answer: The first things we should tell the priest in Confession are the time of our last Confession, and whether we said the penance and went to Holy Communion.

226. Question: After telling the time of our last Confession and Communion what should we do?

Answer: After telling the time of our last Confession and Communion we should confess all the mortal sins we have since committed, and all the venial sins we may wish to mention.

227. Question: What must we do when the confessor asks us questions?

Answer: When the confessor asks us questions we must answer them truthfully and clearly.

228. Question: What should we do after telling our sins?

Answer: After telling our sins we should listen with attention to the advice which the confessor may think proper to give.

229. Question: How should we end our Confession?

Answer: We should end our Confession by saying, I also accuse myself of all the sins of my past life, telling, if we choose, one or several of our past sins.

230. Question: What should we do while the priest is giving us absolution?

Answer: While the priest is giving us absolution we should from our heart renew the Act of Contrition.

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THE RIGHT MANNER OF CONFESSING

[From Father Finn's Prayer Book for Catholic Youth.]

PRAYER BEFORE EXAMINING YOUR CONSCIENCE

O Holy Spirit, help me to know all my sins. Help me to remember that Jesus died for me. Help me to make a good confession and I promise that I will try never to sin again.

Now think of your sins.

PRAYER BEFORE ENTERING THE CONFESSIONAL

O God, I am very sorry for all my sins. I promise that I will try to be good and never again to hurt You by sin. Dear Jesus, help me. Mother of God, pray that I may please Your Son by true sorrow for my sins.

When your turn comes, go into the confession box. Make the Sign of the Cross and wait till the priest opens the little door. Say what you have been taught to say. Or you may say this:

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It is (say how long) since my last confession. Since then I have committed these sins.

Now tell all your sins and how many times you committed each. If there is something you don’t know how to tell, just say, “Please help me, Father,” and the priest will help you. After you have told all your sins, say what you have been taught to say. Or you may say: That is all, Father.

In case you have no big sins to confess, it is well to end your confession with: “In my past life I sinned through anger or impurity” (or some sin that you know you did and that you are sorry for).

The priest tells you what prayers to say for a penance. Then he tells you to say the Act of Contrition. When you come out, kneel down near the altar. Say your penance at once. Then thank God for being so good to you.